IDK 😶

 Maybe if I’d been prettier.

Maybe if I’d been smarter.

Maybe if I’d been more mature, never showing that raw, childish side.
Maybe if I’d asked for less than time — or maybe if I’d never asked at all.

Maybe if I’d been of more value.
Maybe if I’d had more friends.
Maybe if I’d been less of a mother and more of just an unconcerned lover.
Maybe if I’d never questioned your actions, and known you would leave if I ever did.

Maybe if I never asked about your chats with other people online, about the girls who were “just friends” touching you.
Maybe if I’d died earlier, or maybe if I was never born.
Maybe if I never had to lie to my parents and sister. Maybe if I never happened.

Maybe if I didn’t hold on to everything that’s gone.
Maybe if I never expressed who I really am.
Maybe if I never had expectations of love.
Maybe if I gave my body earlier.
Maybe if I trusted my instincts, instead of silencing them.
Maybe if I gave myself less time, like I had any.

I know I’m never enough.

I tried with every nerve I’ve ever had.
I tried begging for love, aching for care.
I tried longing for friendships I wouldn’t have to fight for.
I tried getting better, only to realize I never am, never was, and maybe never will be.

I tried staying with a mind that wandered, not from choice but from pain.
I tried with all the guilt of not giving enough, even when I had nothing left to give.
I tried carrying the shame of disappointing my parents, who sacrificed everything for me.
I tried with all the respect I could earn, while not letting my sister’s sacrifices go in vain.

Still, I feel like a failure.
I want to run away from myself.

Just like you left me at the slightest miscommunication.
Just like my father fell sick from the weight of my mistakes.
Just like I wiped my mom’s smile away.
Just like my sister cried when I let the family down.
Just like my friend left when I needed her most.
Just like a scrap piece that never made it out.

But maybe it was never about being prettier,

or smarter,

or quieter,

or less.

Maybe the truth is —

I was always enough,

and you just couldn’t see it.

Maybe one day I will.

- Bharathi Senthilkumar